Recovery sucks because of the aftermath of my eating disorder.
Recovery sucks because even though I know I need to be eating double the calories, I just can't.
Recovery sucks because of Osteopenia and I hate the taste of milk.
Recovery sucks because I'm in pain all the time.
Recovery sucks because I fucked up my metabolism.
Recovery sucks because 2 years later, Ana is still there (in the background, but there).
Recovery sucks because I cry myself to sleep 9 nights out of 10.
Recovery sucks because I still HATE MY FUCKING BODY!
Alright, I know; it's been so long since I've written here
I apologize for that
The purpose of this post is not in anyway to turn anyone away from recovery,
But more of a look at what this disease has left me with.
Where to begin? How about that I've been regularly working out for over 6 months now.
My workouts don't contain cardio, well besides jumping jacks.
Initially I started lifting to tone,
But then I realized that I could tone, gain muscle, not fat, and reach a "normal" weight.
Since I quit breastfeeding Syrsha a year ago in May,
My weight has not went below 96lbs, however,
My weight also hasn't gone above 101.
And I'm frustrated.
I downloaded My Fitness Pal
But this time I changed my goals.
I entered in that my goal weight is 110,
And to gain a half pound a week.
2,090 calories a day, 40% Protein, 30% Fat and 30% Carbs.
Realistically, this is about what my average day looks like...
1,400 calories a day, 35% Protein, 25% Fat and 40% Carbs.
I can never seem to win.
And why all the details, and what brought me to this rant?
The fact that I'm 2 or so years into recovery,
And I'm still struggling every fucking day.
I still cry when I look at myself in the mirror,
I still cry when I realize that Ana is still in my life.
I still cry because my boobs used to be a 38C
And now...lol....now, I've got fucking nothing!
And as materialistic or silly as this sounds,
My boobs are the reason why I'm so fucking upset.
I can't even take my bra off in front of my own husband
Without that lump in my throat that I'm about to freak out.
Does he really care?
He says he doesn't,
But also says he misses the way they used to be.
He loves me no matter what.
But when I look back to almost 5 years ago when I met him,
I was this woman with curves, boobs, and a light in my eyes.
And because of my fucking eating disorders,
I am a woman with zero curves, virtually nothing in my bra, and the light is very dim.
Am I depressed?
Probably.
Do I even have the time of day to be depressed?
Fuck no.
In fact, this post has been in my head for a couple of weeks now,
But as if the aftermath of my eating disorders isn't enough,
Life is just shitting on me in almost every other aspect of my life.
But lets not get into that, this post has been long enough.
I made a doctors appointment, finally.
After almost 7 weeks with this migraine that never goes away.
After taking Excederin up to 3 times a day,
And getting the Daith piercing.
I don't really know what else to say,
Except that I'm sorry.
I know I've been gone,
But more just lurking.
I've been reading, but not commenting.
I wouldn't be surprised if this post gets lost amongst the feed
Of more active bloggers.
XOXO Katie
I'm about five years into my recovery and I still struggle. Usually I notice it comes up when I'm stressed so I have to look at the event that triggered it and tell myself how ridiculous it is to worry about being thin because it's not like that's gonna fill my bank account or get my homework done. My internship isn't going to think it's cool I have an eating disorder, they're going to wonder about my ability to be an effective clinician. I have to re-center myself. It's a struggle for a long time then not at all then it creeps ip and it's like an addiction. You have to seek support. I understand how you feel, but on the opposite end. My boyfriend is 145 (he claims) but looks 130 and is 5'11''. I take off my clothes and wonder how he could find someone like me attractive, 5'8'' and 155. But he does and he doesn't love me for my body. He loves me for who I am and who I'm striving to be. I know yours does too, I mean, he's hang in there. He married you. He has a chord with you and loves your boys. Sometimes our choices have consequences, and I know the metabolism one well. Sometimes my old injuries from high school sports still aches when I work out becaude I had extremely poor nutrition while they were healing and so they flare up. The main thing is to keep going. Pause on thr rung of the ladder but never climb down. You know where to find me. I love you lady!
ReplyDeleteKatie, I'm sorry things are so difficult and that you're still struggling. But to be honest, I think you're amazing for not giving up even though it's so hard and would be much easier just to give in to the disorder. You're amazing Katie! xox
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're still struggling so much. I think a lot of mental illnesses, especially eating disorders, linger for a long time even through recovery. Even after, I think there's always going to be a susceptibility to fall back into it. It's something you have to be on guard for, for a long, long time.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on the boob upset. Pre-ED, I wore a 12G. Now, my bras don't even have cup sizes. I wear bralettes, or if I do find actual bras that fit, they're 6-8As (whatever I can find) from the 'my first bra' section.
I also wanted to say thank you for your words of support, and apologize for taking so long to comment. Words are hard to find these days.
Lots of love to you, my dear <3
xxxx