Facing demons

Things in my life have been so chaotic lately.
I'm having a hard time focusing on any one thing.
My brain is scattered and it takes me from reality.
But this post is about facing my demons.
Which demons you may ask?
My father, my brother, my personal past.
So let us start with my father.
Since T and I got married in 2015,
I've spoken to my father maybe a handful of times.
About a month ago, we ran into each other at Walmart.
It was awkward and lacked any connection.
A week or so after, I missed a call from him.
Given his past history of health problems
And the fact there was a 4 minute voicemail of silence,
I called him back twice to make sure he was ok
His response? "Well I didn't mean to call you, why would I call you?"
Um, well ok then.
The thing about my father is that he is a narcissist.
He's an alcoholic, and he never takes blame.
He'll place blame til he's blue in the face,
But that man can never do any wrong.
I've driven by him in town a couple times,
And he barely acknowledges me.
I don't know why I try so hard to please him.
I'm almost 28 years old, and I still want my fathers approval.
Why, is beyond me.
So that's been heavy on my mind.
Then there's my brother Jeremy.
The one who molested me as a young child.
If you've been reading for awhile,
You'll know that about 3 years ago I confronted him.
After not talking to him in a very long time.
Since then, I've learned to forgive him.
I didn't forgive him for him,
Or for the sake of my family.
I forgave him because I needed to move on.
We've hung out a few times with our kiddos.
We talk several times a week and I enjoy it.
But things are weird.
He's awkward around me because he's afraid of crossing lines.
He actually asked me last week if he could hug me.
My mom doesn't understand why I've formed a relationship with him,
And sometimes I feel like she feels bitter about it.
We've opened up to each other about childhood,
Things that I was too young to remember,
Or things that have been omitted in fear of judgement.
Let's just say that I understand him a bit better,
And I feel closer to him as a sister.
So for now,
I'll leave my father alone because that's obviously what he wants.
And as for my brother,
We will continue to rebuild our relationship.
Maybe I'll be back later this week,
To do a proper update.
Until then, stay lovely.
XOXO Katie

Big day

Today is filled with anxiety,
And nervousness, and self doubt.
Today is when I make myself vulnerable
To a complete stranger.
A person who is going to get overwhelmed
With the amount of self loathing I keep inside.
A couple weeks ago I made an appointment,
For a consultation with a plastic surgeon.
I'm not sure if I'll get anything out of this appointment,
Or if I'm going to leave feeling worse than before.
I think that's what I am afraid of.
I don't want to get my hopes up,
For them to be crushed, ya know?
This last month has been especially rough,
Regarding how I feel about my breasts.
I try to avoid them all together,
I try to avoid letting T see them.
Sometimes I force myself to stare at them,
And remember that this is my fault.
I lack one of the main things that makes me a woman,
And it's all because of my eating disorder.
I don't feel sexy, EVER!
I've been trying so hard to gain some weight,
To help them come back on their own.
But I even fail at that,
So now I'm faced with this decision.
What if the doctor thinks I'm crazy?
What if he doesn't understand that this isn't for anyone,
But myself?
Majority of women I've talked to about breast implants,
Did it for materialist reasons.
Wait, is that what I'm doing?
I want the boob job to have boobs,
But not for anyone but myself,
Does that make sense?
My body dysmorphic tendencies,
Are destroying my mental state.
I know I've said this many times before,
But is it so hard to ask,
For me to be able to love myself?
To not cry in the mirror on a daily basis?
To accept my body in front of the one man,
Who has shown me unconditional love and
Never any judgement?
I read a lot of articles about self love,
About self esteem building,
About body acceptance.
But none of them have helped.
Am I just a lost cause in that department?
Do I just accept that this "meat suit"
Is what I'm stuck with for the rest of my life?
Despite my eating healthy
And working out regularly,
I'm still stuck,
And it frustrates me to no end.
So today, I am going to see this doctor,
And poor out all of my emotions
And my sad story
And be vulnerable,
And hope that someone can help me.

Body acceptance?

Hey there everyone in blogger world (if you're still out there.)
I've been wanting to write this post for a few days, but with lack of time and trying to find the right words, it's all been a jumbled mess.
My heart is hurting,
Not just for me though.
My heart is hurting for girls everywhere.
I'm in a few different all women groups on Facebook,
And some of the conversations between these women,
Well they hurt my heart.
This one in particular the other day is what triggered this post.
It starts with the OP stating that she's tired of all the remarks about her body.
She is naturally skinny, and still people feel the need to tell her what to do and not do to HER body.
Then there's like 60 or so comments from women all over the world.
Skinny girls, big girls, girls who fit the "normal" range,
And ALL of them complaining about their imperfections.
Most of the time, I don't pay too much mind to these posts,
Either because they trigger feelings, or I know that my words won't have an effect anyway (which most of the time, they don't.)
So, that's why I come here,
Because I know someone will read it (especially other ED girls who understand.)
BODY ACCEPTANCE:
This is something that almost every woman I've met struggles with.
It's something that I still struggle with on a daily basis.
Some days I say, "I just need to accept that this is how I'm supposed to look."
The other 90% of days are the days I struggle.
I don't usually give Ana the satisfaction of having a say,
But instead, it's usually my own voice that projects those insecurities upon myself.
Here's the thing though,
WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT WHO I AM?!?!
I'm working out on a regular basis, I've stopped counting calories, I don't weigh myself religiously.
AND I STILL CAN'T ACCEPT WHO I AM!
At 78lbs, I was too damn sick to do shit.
I struggled getting out of bed, I struggled with picking my kids up,
It hurt to walk, it hurt to sit,
And I was hurting everyone around me.
At my highest weight, I dreaded looking in the mirror.
I was sucking it in to look skinnier,
I was always covering myself in layers to hide my extra skin.
And now here I am, stuck at this weight that won't budge.
For the first time since I was 11 years old,
I WANT to gain weight.
Not a substantial amount, but 10lbs would be nice.
10lbs would give me a bit more boobs,
So then I would feel more confident.
But is that Ana talking in a different voice? Who knows.
What I do know is that I still can't stand my body,
And it kills me to think that I'll forever be stuck in this perpetual cycle of not accepting myself,
Until the day I die.
That I'll go the rest of my unsatisfied with myself,
While helping others accept themselves.
That's a bit hypercritical, don't you think?
My biggest goal with my children is for them to love themselves.
To accept themselves for the beautiful beings that they are.
That they don't have to change the way they look,
That they don't have to change their hearts.
That they don't have to change who they are for anyone.
Meanwhile, the self hatred I have for myself lingers,
Ever so subtle in the back of my head?
But that's who I am, and I'm ok with that.
I will ALWAYS put others first,
Because it makes me happy to see the people I love happy.
See, I told you this post was going to be a jumbled mess.
There's just been a lot of feelings, a lot of insecurities,
A lot of unanswered questions for myself.
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing ok.
I might spend some of the day catching up on some of your blogs.
XOXO Katie

2017

Next month it'll be 5 years since I've started blogging.
And when I look back over these 5 years, it's bittersweet.
When I think about how far I've come in 5 years, it's bittersweet.
5 years ago, I was not in a good place.
5 years ago, I was not the same person I am today.
5 years ago, I would have given anything to be the weight I'm at today.
But 5 years later, I am still not so happy with my weight.
At the beginning of 2016 I made a *goal* to get to 110lbs.
I was 104lbs, so 6lbs sounded pretty easy.
At the end of 2016, I was 103lbs.
Over the course 2016, the highest I got was 107.5lbs.
2016 was a shitty fucking year.
We got "conned" out of our house and was forced to move.
We moved 35 minutes away from everything I grew up around.
And although 35 minutes doesn't sound like much,
When you have a toddler who hates her car seat, it is A LOT.
I get to see my best friend once every couple of weeks.
I can't just pop in the car and go to Walmart whenever I'm out of something.
Financially, 2016 screwed us.
Because of the move, our bills went up 650$ a month.
No one wants to hire me because besides my cleaning business,
It's been 3 years since I've had an application worthy job.
I've been applying almost every day with no call backs and it's wearing on me.
I feel like a failure as a wife because I can't even help T out with bills.
I feel like a failure as a mother because I can't buy even little things for my kids.
They get what they need, but not what they want.
Because of all the stress, my patience for pretty much anything is minimal.
I'm working on month 9 of this everyday migraine.
Sometimes headache medicine works, but only for a couple of hours, then I'm taking more.

Alright, I'm sorry, that was just a whole bunch of unnecessary bitching.
Although I can't control outside forces, I AM GOING TO TRY TO MAKE 2017 BETTER!
This year my goals (not resolutions) include:

*Continue my journey to a healthy weight*  I'm not going to set a specific number. Instead, I'm going to vamp up my workout routine (with very little cardio) and eat more ice cream
*Start my cupcake business* I am so passionate about baking and I take pride in my work. I would love to be able to get approved for a loan to start my business. Also, this would help with our money situation.
*Quit smoking* I know this is something that needs to happen. My breathing is worse than ever. I don't actually enjoy it anymore. It's a habit that doesn't benefit myself or my children. It's expensive and I always smell like cigarettes. I know that this one is going to be harder because T smokes as well. But I know a part of him wants to quit as well.
*More self care* I don't get nearly enough time for the things that I enjoy. I want to read more. I want to take more baths. I want to have more time to hoop, even if it's only 15-20 minutes a day. I want to write more as well, whether it be here or in my journal. And quit picking my skin! I absolutely can not stand how bad my face looks because I've been picking since I was 13.
*Buy our own home* Or at least be in the process of buying. This is something we've been trying since May 2016, but every time we started, something else would get in the way. Because 2016 sucked!

So there may be more, but I think this is a good start. I will write things on little sticky notes and stick them all over the house if I have to. These are the things that need to happen this year.
I hope you all are doing well and hopefully I'll have a chance to catch up on some blogs in the next week. Sending everyone love and good vibes.
XOXO Katie

My little chef in training

My loves