I am going into my 13th year of my eating disorder. All these years I have considered myself both Anorexic and Bulimic. I restrict, but when I do eat, I purge or use laxatives. I'm considered underweight with a current BMI of 17 and Body Fat % of 20. I lost my cycle due to my low body weight. But with the new DSM 5 released this past May, I fall into the category of EDNOS.
I don't know why for sure, but this label bothers me. In my experiences with treatment facilities, therapists, support groups and research, I feel like EDNOS is not taken seriously enough. That's why when people ask me what type of eating disorder I have, I always say "Anorexia and Bulimia."
But there is a name for the type of disordered eating I have. It's called Purging Disorder. The main significant difference between Purging Disorder(PD) and Bulimia is the binge/purge part. When someone with PD eats a small amount of food, or what would appear to be a normal amount to others, that individual gets fuller faster, caused by the chemical, Cholecystokinin. Someone with Bulimia has a significant lower amount of the chemical, allowing them to overeat.
People with Bulimia or PD, then share the same emotional thinking, which then leads them to purge in one form or another. Both of these diseases share similar health risks and both can obviously lead to death. While doing my research in the last couple of days on PD, I have found myself to fall perfectly into this category. I'm not sure if this is a relief or just another long battle of frustration and confusion for me.
Either way, it doesn't make living with it any easier. I'm on information overload at the moment and my mind is preoccupied with external forces, but one thing is for sure and that is, whatever label I fall under, my eating disorder is on a full blown rampage. Tearing through my mind destroying any attempt of a barrier I've put up, and crushing all hopes of recovery. I read somewhere today that recovery is a revolving door. I couldn't say it better. One day I wake up, ready to take on the world, only to be shoved back into the welcoming arms of my eating disorder.
I've gotten better at keeping it to myself lately. When I'm having a fat day, or I'm running to the bathroom after a meal, I do my best not to let anyone know. I have mastered the fake smile, the award-winning attitude and the well put together mother and house wife. I prefer to keep my problems out of the way of my relationships.
I know that I really should be seeking a therapist to talk to, reaching out to my doctor with all the health problems I've been having lately, and re-creating a meal plan with my dietitian. But truth is, I don't have time for all of that. My main focus is my kids and their needs. They are my number one priority. I can live with my "around-the-clock" migraine, and the sleepless nights, as long as my family is happy. I will find a way to deal.
XOXO Katie
