Helplessness

This really has been a crappy week. Still no word from insurance. They sure are taking their sweet time with all of this. All the while, I'm still losing...
Losing my relationship with T. Losing my battle with Anorexia. Losing any of the friends that I thought I had left. Losing my will and fight. Losing my strength. Everything seems to be spiralling down into a hole that I thought was berried when I left treatment the first time. All these hopes that I had for recovery was really a trick that my eating disorder was playing on me. "Do everything that you're supposed to while you're in here, then you can get out and be 'better'" she said. Little did I know at the time, what she really meant was, "just push through, put on some weight, and then the faster you do all of this, the faster you will get out of here."
I came to a sad realization this week that I need friends. My eating disorder has done a pretty good job at pushing away any people in my life that were trying to help me. People that I would have now for a great support that are gone. Whether they gave up trying to help, or they have become too busy, I don't have anyone it feels like. I mean, I have people that I hang out with on occasion, but as far as turning to them for help, I lack the capability to be vulnerable and ask them to listen.
Honestly, I went to my DBT therapy today and the first thing she asked me was what's wrong. Ooooh, where to begin? I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Giving up and a feeling of hopelessness lingers in the thick tension in every room I'm in. Guilt, shame, disgust, anger, fear. These are all feelings that I am constantly feeling. I feel them if I skip a meal, I feel them if I eat. I feel them when I take laxatives. I feel them every time I go into the restroom. I feel them every time T and I argue about Ana and the effect she has had on our relationship.
These feelings are common when it comes to T and I. I feel guilty, and ashamed, and disgusted that I have put him through this for a good solid year now. And how lucky am I to have such a wonderful man who has stuck by my side? Like he said this morning, a lesser man would have walked a long time ago. I feel anger towards Ana for taking over our relationship and using me as her puppet. I feel fear every morning that I won't make it through the day without my eating disorder becoming a topic of discussion between the two of us.
I also have fear of dying. But it's not as overwhelming as I would like it to be, or need it to be. A person in their right mind would have stopped each and every behavior when their doctor told them they had a year left to live. A person with an eating disorder doesn't hear that. They think that it can't happen to them. That it WON'T happen to them. Well if there's one thing I would like everyone to know is that it's happening to me. 4lbs in one week. 4lbs since I saw my DBT therapist last week. 81 measly pounds. My dog weighs more than I do. But why can't it just seem to stop? I question every day that if God truly loved me, why won't he take this disease away from me? If he loves my children, why won't he take this disease away from me?
Most people's faith grows stronger in recovery, but for me, it's slowing diminishing. And of course I feel guilty for saying that. I know that God loves all of children. I know that he made me in a unique way. But all I'm asking for is a push. A sign. Something to show me that I need to keep fighting. Something to make me keep fighting. Because to be completely honest, I don't think there is enough fight in me to do this on my own. That's why I'm trying to hard to get back into treatment. But I can't just sit here and wait for them to make up their minds. No. If I lose another 4lbs in a week, that would put me at 77.
I've done good and have went to all my appointments, groups, therapies this week. Doing everything I can for IOP. But if I'm not following my meal plan, I'm not going to get anywhere. Food scares me. Calories scare me. I'm am terrified of becoming a huge blob again. I feel the need to have this control over my own body because the control was taking away from me at such a young age, thanks to my brother and my uncle. Someone else had control over me. And in the years I was supposed to be forming myself as a person, a boyfriend controlled that too. This is my sense of control that I am taking back from them. But this can't keep going on like this. I'm dying, both physically, and emotionally. I'm a shell of the Katie that everyone used to know.
My eating disorder has caused me to be deceitful, has formed an addiction, has caused me to lie to those that I love with all my heart. By nature, I'm not any of these things. But Ana has made me become this monster. This monster that everyone is having such a hard time coping with. If Ana were a real life person, I would shoot her. I would cut her. I would make sure that she would never hurt me again. Or anyone for that matter. I've got 4 months til I hit that one year mark, and it scares me everyday. I'm terrified. I'm hurting. I'm lost. And no one can seem to find me.