So here I am, halfway through my pregnancy. I wish I could say things have been a walk in the park for me, but if I'm being completely honest, I am having a hard time coping with the changes that my body is going through. There are days where I feel like I've eaten too much, so I feel like purging. That thought never goes away.
I know that I've got my baby to think about, which is what keeps me from acting on my behaviors. But it's like an addiction that I'll never fully recover from. I'm terrified that when the baby comes, I am going to slip back into old habits. That I will be completely disgusted with what I see in the mirror, and I'll run over to the toilet and stick my fingers down my throat.
I can't let myself do that again, but it doesn't mean that the thought isn't there. I can't count how many times my youngest was in the bathroom with me and watched me purge my food, and that kills me. I feel like the worlds worst mother because of it.
Everyone tells me that I need to think about my kids and what their futures would be like if they didn't have their mother around because she killed herself with her eating disorder. It's a sad cycle really.
My best friend and I were texting the other day and she said to me, "Katie, we are strong, and we will beat our eating disorders. We will live full, healthy lives." I replied, "You know, you've been saying that for years." Which she has. We've both lived with our eating disorders for 14 years now, and we always say that it's going to get better, but we always relapse. ALWAYS.
I am very grateful that I haven't let it take over my body during my pregnancy, but I know it's there. I know Ana is scratching at the door, begging to come in. Most days, I can shut her out, pretend like she isn't there. The nights are the worse though. It takes me at least a minimum of 45 minutes to fall asleep every night because the thoughts won't stop running.
And I'm not just saying it's Ana that keeps me awake at night. It's everything. My dad hasn't talked to me in months. He won't return my calls or texts. And then there is my other "best friend, E." I don't know what her problem is, but it's like I'm nothing to her now.
About two months ago, she came and hung out with me and T at our house, and brought her new boyfriend, who she was afraid I wasn't going to like. But we all hung out, smoked some weed, and had a good time. I haven't talked to her since that night. I've texted her, I've called her, I've even showed up at her work; nothing. She won't respond. And I know that she is okay, because I see her post stupid shit on Facebook all the time. I think the only way I am going to get her attention is tag her in a status on Facebook and see if she responds. A part of me wants to be a total bitch about it, but that's not me.
This has probably been my biggest burden lately. Is how it's so easy for everyone to walk out of my life, like 13 years of friendship, or the fact that I am still his daughter, means nothing. I'm very lucky to have T and his dad, and my boys, and my mom, but what about all the people who said they would stick by my side through everything?
I'm sorry that I'm ranting. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, and I'm sorry for that. I will try my hardest to post more often. Please ladies, send me an email and let me know how you are doing. I miss you all so very dearly, and I want to know that you're all doing ok. Lots of love.
XOXO Katie
