I'm a lousy blogger

It's been since the end of September since I've written. Over the course of the last week or so, I've been catching up on blogs and how I've missed all of you. There is so much to say.
First off, I'm almost done being pregnant. I've had a few scares over the last few months. When I was 30 weeks, they thought I was going to deliver. I spent a weekend in a hospital a town away because they were more equipped to handle a baby born that young. Luckily she didn't come then because we would have had to have her in that hospital for a couple months at least. So here I am, almost 37 weeks and so ready to be done. Since this has been a high risk pregnancy from the beginning, my doctor has taken every precaution to ensure that if Syrsha was born early, she would have the best possible chance of not having to stay in the hospital after birth. In the last week, I've been in and out of the hospital 3 times. My body keeps sending me into labor and then stops. I know a lot of you don't know too much about pregnancy, but currently I am 4.5cm dilated and she is way head down. We thought she was coming last week. I went from being 1cm dilated to 4 in a matter of a few hours. They gave me the epidural (spinal tap) because they were concerned with how fast my labor was progressing. After the epidural, everything stopped. They kept me another day to ensure I wasn't going to have her, and then sent me home. It was very emotional and extremely frustrating. Then the same thing happened this Tuesday. Except it was the nurse who fucked shit up. She told me that I dilated from 4cm to 6cm in an hour. She told me to get my mom on the phone to head up here because I was "having this baby today." Then the doctor on call came in and told me that I was 4.5cm not 6cm. So she sent me home. The contractions and the intense pain continued for the rest of the day on Tuesday and by 3am Wednesday, I went back to the hospital. They told me that nothing had changed and sent me home. My body wants to labor, but doesn't want to dilate. It's very frustrating because the doctors won't help my dilation until I am 37 weeks and I am currently 36 and 5 days. The doctors at my local hospital are a nightmare and makes me shy away from delivering there and instead going to another hospital. So there's an update on pregnancy. Syrsha can be here any day now =)
Today was Thanksgiving. Pretty nerve wrecking, but you all understand why. It's the holiday that is centered around food. And although I'm not controlled by my ED mind constantly, the thoughts are still there. The counting of the calories is still there, even if they are unintentional. Every little thing I put in my mouth today gave me anxiety. I tried not to let it affect my day, and I think I did pretty well. It was a small Thanksgiving (Me, T, his dad and my youngest.) But enough food to feed a small army. We like our Thanksgiving leftovers around here. I have so much to be thankful for this year. T and I are stronger than ever, and my love for him continues to grow every single day. My boys are awesome, in their own individual ways. My oldest is starting to become passionate about things that interests him. My youngest is just so sweet and still very much a mama's boy. My father in law has shown me so much love and makes me feel like I'm one of his own. My mom finally got a new job that she starts in a couple weeks. Which is amazing because she's been stuck at this terrible job for almost 4 years now, and I'm hoping this new start will help her with her depression. I'm thankful for the couple friends I do have. I have lost so many close friends (ones I've known for 10+ years) this year which has been extremely hard, but I've had a couple awesome ladies walk into my life and it's been nice. I am thankful that Syrsha wasn't born at 30 weeks and at this point is healthy enough to not have to stay in the hospital.
I know I have more to say, but it's been an extremely long and tiring day and my body hurts from being on my feet all day. I hope to update again soon, and hope to have pictures of baby Syrsha to share with you all. For now, I'll leave you with a picture I took a couple weeks ago of my baby bump. And a picture of me just being me with my new glasses.

Lots of love

XOXO Katie

Someone tell me I'm not alone

Just a forewarning: This is going to be a bit long and a little disoriented, but I need to know if I'm alone because this is scaring the ever living crap out of me.
Ok, so the first episode was about a year and a half ago. In the height of my ED. I had this dream, but it was too real to be a dream.
In this first dream, I was being possessed. I was lying in bed and I felt this shadow figure above me. I tried to wake up, I was screaming, T was sleeping right next to me. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I tried flailing and screaming; nothing. I was doing everything I could to wake up from this dream (nightmare) but I was paralyzed.
*Side note: most of these dreams happen right before I wake up*
So the next day I told T about this dream, and he told me that it was probably all the possession movies we'd been watching lately. *At the time, I thought I was literally being possessed by Ana*
Moving forward: From that time on up until a few months ago, I've only had a couple more dreams like this. Then a few months ago, they started happening several times a week.
They always consist of me laying in bed, as myself (like in first person). In these dreams I "wake up" and I try to get out of bed. But I can't move. No matter how hard I try. I will be screaming at the top of my lungs (in the dream) and nothing comes out. I try to roll out of bed (in the dream) and I can't move.
The past couple of weeks have been the worst. All the above happens, but it gets a lot scarier. In the dreams, I manage to get out of bed, like I will be standing next to my bed or laying on the floor, and next second, I'm back in the bed without realizing how I got there, paralyzed again. In the dreams, there is always someone standing at my bedroom door, just staring at me. Most of the time I can't make out who it is. But I'm trying to reach for them to help me (but can't move) or I'm trying to yell at them (nothing comes out.) I "wake up" several times in the dream, but I'm never truly awake.
This is probably the scariest thing that has happened to me. Because everything is so real. I can feel the pillow under my head, the sheets under my skin.
When I finally manage to pull myself out of these nightmares, I am panicked and out of breath. I am disoriented and realize that I've only truly been asleep for maybe 10-20 minutes. But in the dream, it seems like time is never ending.
So after this morning's "episode" I decided to Google it. I read numerous things about sleep paralysis, but that's not what this is. I'm not awake when this happens (even though it might feel like it.) I can't seem to find an actual name for it, or ways to treat it.
I'm just so scared to go to sleep anymore. I dread it. And physically, it's taking it's toll on me. After I have these dreams, I'm out of it for the rest of the day, which ironically, makes me want to sleep. I feel like I can't focus on anything else.
Please someone tell me you've heard of this, maybe know what it's called or how to treat it?
I'm thinking about maybe researching into sleep studies, but I'm skeptical about that because I never know when these nightmares are going to happen. I'm sorry this was so long. I just feel so lost.

Really getting lonely

So yesterday I did something that I didn't think I was going to have the strength to do.
Let me start with a little back story.
My best friend, E, and I have been best friends since 8th grade (almost 14 years.) She has stuck by my side through everything, and I mean, everything. We did everything together.
Well back in May, I noticed that she was becoming a little distant. We went like a week and a half without talking. Only to find out that she had started dating this guy and was afraid I wasn't going to like him. I told her that was nonsense and to bring him over so T and I could meet him.
They came over, we hung out, had dinner and had a pretty good time. That was May 15th. That was the last time I heard from her....
I have texted her numerous times. Called her and left voicemails. Sent her messages on Facebook. And even so much as went to her work. She has ignored it all.
So finally yesterday, I deleted her on Facebook. I know that doesn't sound like such a big deal, but honestly, it was the only link I had left to her and her life. But it was killing me to see all of her updates, photos, videos; all the while knowing that she was choosing to ignore me.
After awhile of not getting responses from her, T thought that maybe her new boyfriend had something to do with it. Like he was possibly isolating her from everyone. But from what I can tell by her Facebook, I don't even think they are dating anymore. I think that was short-lived. And she still seems in pretty constant contact with everyone else in her life, including her other best friend.
I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. I mean, I've lost so many friends over the past few years. Some that I thought would always be there. But with E, it seems so unreal. And frustrating honestly. I even begged her for an explanation as to why she felt the need to ignore me, and got nothing. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and I didn't get a "happy birthday" from her. My baby shower was last weekend, and she didn't show any interest in coming.
I feel so lonely, especially during the day. T is at work, the boys are at school, and I have no one to talk to. Not that I can do much "talking" with the boys.
I just feel very overwhelmed lately and feel like I'm slipping into depression. I feel like this huge weight is sitting on my chest and I can't get it off. Today for some reason is especially worse. I have this nasty cold that started on Monday and it's just gotten worse. I can barely breathe because of it. My morning sickness returned last night. Dinner and desert didn't stay down. And my glucose test is in less than an hour. And I HATE my blood being drawn. I just want to sleep all day, but I can't do that because I can't get comfortable enough to stay in one spot for too long.
I'm sorry this is so long and a total bitch-fest.
XOXO Katie