Still the same

There is nothing more I hate then being stuck,
99lbs every single day.
I pray for a smaller number.

I didn't go to the doctors yesterday,
Instead I went to be with my mom,
She had to put her dog down.

That was one of the hardest things,
I've ever had to do.
He was wrapped in my arms when he took his last breath.

The worst part was watching my mom break down,
I wish that I could take her pain away.
I wish that our pets could live forever.

My nausea is still out of control,
I slept all day because of it.
It's hindering my ability to do anything.
I'm tired of being sick all the time.

I skipped seeing my therapist today,
Instead I wanted to spend time with T.
We slept away the afternoon.

Tonight we are going to the bar with friends,
That means calories, calories, calories.
That means I will NOT weigh myself in the morning.
If I do, it will just depress me.

I just want to see a lower number,
I want to know that I am skinny.
To know I am skinny,
Means I'm worth something.

I want to be perfect,
Skinny and perfect.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Infertile?

Eating has been so stressful for me.
I'm still at 99lbs.
Just one more pound and I'll be good.

98 is ideal.
Not the best,
But good enough for now.

T said to me yesterday;
"If you have a problem keeping dinner down,
Just skip dinner and eat more through the day."

I love that he is so understanding.
But I failed at that yesterday.
I ate shepherds pie last night,
Of course it didn't stay down.

I have noticed that when I was 2lbs heavier,
I had more energy.
I felt better.
It's crazy how those 2lbs make a difference.

There is something that has been weighing on my mind,
T and I have been trying for a baby,
And I have yet to get pregnant.
I think I've permanently damaged my body.

I've never had a problem getting pregnant,
But after 2 months of trying,
I still am not.

I go to the doctor on Thursday,
I'm going to talk to her about my meds,
My constant nausea,
And the possibility of being infertile.

T asked me last night if wanting to get pregnant,
Was enough motivation to get healthy.
I told him obviously not.

I can't even pull myself away from the toilet after a meal,
I have to get rid of the food.
I have to take those laxies.
I'm too dependent on my ed.

It's so hard to imagine my life ed free,
I don't even know if that's possible.
I read all these stories on recovery,
And how it's possible for everyone.

I feel like I'm a lost cause.
I feel like I am meant to live with this forever.
That I will never be good enough.
I'm sure you can relate.

I hope this post finds you all well.
That whether you're trying to lose or gain,
That you're succeeding.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie

Sad realizations

The scale has been kind that past two days.
99lbs it reads.
Despite feeling like I'm eating like a cow.

I absolutely hate my period.
I feel bloated constantly.
And I want to eat all kinds of unhealthy shit.

I've had a lot of shit on my mind this week.
One of my best friends have been in the hospital all week.
It's a long story.

He had surgery on Thursday.
They fixed the problem,
But his vitals are not staying stable,
And he is still in an intense amount of pain.

Having a conversation with T this morning,
About where all my friends have gone.
I realized that I only have two friends that stick by me,
Even when life gets shitty.

The rest of them have been fair weather friends.
It's a sad realization to come to.
The fact that I try my hardest to keep my friends,
But reality is that they don't have time for me.

I had a good session with my therapist yesterday.
I think I am finally starting to feel comfortable with her.
But we talked about how I have unrealistic goals for myself.

For example;
I want to be "thin"
I want to be perfect.
I want everyone to like me.


I am never going to be "thin enough"
I am never going to be perfect, because no one is perfect.
There is always going to be someone who doesn't like me.

This is something that I don't understand.
Why are there people, a lot as a matter of fact,
That don't like me?

I try so hard to please people,
I put everyone in front of myself,
Even those fair weather friends.

My therapist wants me to get this book,
It's called "Codependent no more."
It talks about people like me.
I am too codependent on other people to tell me who I am.

I look to other people for their approval.
I look to other people to tell me I'm good enough.
I look to other people to tell me I'm a good mom.

I don't know my own opinion of myself.
I know Ana's opinion of me.
But that's about it.

Onto other news;
Tomorrow is my youngest son's birthday.
He is going to be three.
That means food and cake; ugh.

My laxative usage has been up.
My purging has been up.
I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday;
And that makes me disappointed in myself.

I will get my weight under control.
I will gain control back and be as perfect as I can be.
Ana will be pleased and stop yelling at me.

I started a kind of detox,
Only water and tea.
And my one cup of coffee in the morning.
I do feel a bit healthier.

But the nausea has come back.
I've been throwing up randomly.
Between that, my period, and this damn cold that won't go away,
I am having a grumpy week.

I hope you all are doing well.
Thank you for the "real" comments on my posts and keeping me in check.
I know that my disordered mind gets the best of me.
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie