I can't stop crying

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I didn't take my pills last night,
Because I went to a concert and forgot them at home.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I'm sick of being sick,
This constant nausea won't go away.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I went to the doctor yesterday,
And got absolutely no answers for my nausea.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because they are testing me again,
For Colon Cancer;
For the 2nd time in less than a year.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I know that this is all my fault,
That I've damaged my body because of Ana.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because the scale is being unfriendly,
I'm so embarrassed to even say the number.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I've lost the trust of a friend,
Because he hurt me and I don't know if I'll forgive him.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because a part of me wants my life to end,
Because it'd be easier than constantly being in pain.

I can't stop crying,
Probably because I don't know who I am,
And I don't know if I'll ever find her.

Super Bowl=Food

GO BRONCOS!

 

Today is a big day for the state of Colorado.

Our football team made it to the Super Bowl.

So we are having a small Super Bowl party.

Which means a shit ton of food.

 

I weighed myself this morning.

The scale told me an ugly 101.

Miss Calla Lily told me it's probably just water weight,

I'm praying she's right.

 

I can't believe how much that number rules my life,

T and I had a discussion this morning about my ed,

And it made me feel so guilty.

I hate that my ed affects all the aspects of my life,

Including my relationship.

 

I'm pretty nervous about all the food today,

It's giving me an anxiety attack,

Which will probably result in Clonapan.

 

I've already had 250cal for breakfast,

About 350ca for lunch.

That's already an ugly 600cal for the day,

And we still have the Super Bowl food to eat.

 

I took 5 laxatives before lunch,

I'll take another 5 before I start making food.

I wish that I could kick them,

But I'm too dependent on them.

 

Thank you everyone for your kind words on yesterday's post,

My friend never did text me.

He got released from the hospital today according to his Facebook,

I'm happy for him, but sad that I've realized I don't matter.

 

I know that one of the reasons why he probably hasn't texted me,

Is because his girlfriend doesn't like me.

She's insecure in mine and his friendship,

Just like every other girl he's been with.

 

So no, this isn't the first time I've been blown off for a girl,

Not with him, or many of my other guy friends.

I don't understand it really,

I still try to keep my guy friends when I'm in a relationship.

 

Oh my God, I can't believe how fast my anxiety is creeping in,

Just over the few minutes of writing this post,

I'm in major freak out mode.

I don't want to eat anymore food today.

 

My mood has to improve or I'm going to ruin T's mood,

And I don't want him to be upset.

This is just something that I have to deal with,

By myself.

 

If you live in the states,

Make sure you're watching the Super Bowl.

GO BRONCOS!

Lots of love,

XOXO Katie

The text that will never come

I sit by my phone,
Patiently waiting for that text,
That is never going to come.

How do I know that?
Well because I'm the last person on his mind.
My friend that's been in the hospital,
I don't think I matter to him.

It's much like all my other friendships,
I don't really matter,
And it's ok to treat me like shit.

The weather outside fits my mood,
It's cold, dreary, and dark.
I woke up from my nap,
In a cranky mood.

I'm tired of feeling left out,
Like I'm the last one to matter.
I try so hard to get my friends to like me,
But for some reason,
I don't matter.

I want to write,
But I feel a lack of motivation.
I haven't wrote a decent poem,
In a few months.

Tonight I am feeling like shit,
This dam nausea won't go away.
I feel like I'm going to throw up,
Constantly.

And when I actually do,
It doesn't make me feel any better.
I felt nauseous all through dinner,
Purged; and still feel terrible.

I pray the doctor gives me some answers,
To tell me that I'm going to be ok,
Or that I've got some bug that's going to kill me.

I didn't weigh myself this morning,
Which is probably a good thing,
I probably wouldn't have liked,
What it would have had to say.

Thank you to all my new followers,
And to my old ones as well.
It really means the world to me,
That at least I have friends on here.

I hope this post finds you well,
Lots of love,
XOXO Katie