Purging Disorder?

I am going into my 13th year of my eating disorder. All these years I have considered myself both Anorexic and Bulimic. I restrict, but when I do eat, I purge or use laxatives. I'm considered underweight with a current BMI of 17 and Body Fat % of 20. I lost my cycle due to my low body weight. But with the new DSM 5 released this past May, I fall into the category of EDNOS.
I don't know why for sure, but this label bothers me. In my experiences with treatment facilities, therapists, support groups and research, I feel like EDNOS is not taken seriously enough. That's why when people ask me what type of eating disorder I have, I always say "Anorexia and Bulimia."
But there is a name for the type of disordered eating I have. It's called Purging Disorder. The main significant difference between Purging Disorder(PD) and Bulimia is the binge/purge part. When someone with PD eats a small amount of food, or what would appear to be a normal amount to others, that individual gets fuller faster, caused by the chemical, Cholecystokinin. Someone with Bulimia has a significant lower amount of the chemical, allowing them to overeat.
People with Bulimia or PD, then share the same emotional thinking, which then leads them to purge in one form or another. Both of these diseases share similar health risks and both can obviously lead to death. While doing my research in the last couple of days on PD, I have found myself to fall perfectly into this category. I'm not sure if this is a relief or just another long battle of frustration and confusion for me.
Either way, it doesn't make living with it any easier. I'm on information overload at the moment and my mind is preoccupied with external forces, but one thing is for sure and that is, whatever label I fall under, my eating disorder is on a full blown rampage. Tearing through my mind destroying any attempt of a barrier I've put up, and crushing all hopes of recovery. I read somewhere today that recovery is a revolving door. I couldn't say it better. One day I wake up, ready to take on the world, only to be shoved back into the welcoming arms of my eating disorder.
I've gotten better at keeping it to myself lately. When I'm having a fat day, or I'm running to the bathroom after a meal, I do my best not to let anyone know. I have mastered the fake smile, the award-winning attitude and the well put together mother and house wife. I prefer to keep my problems out of the way of my relationships.
I know that I really should be seeking a therapist to talk to, reaching out to my doctor with all the health problems I've been having lately, and re-creating a meal plan with my dietitian. But truth is, I don't have time for all of that. My main focus is my kids and their needs. They are my number one priority. I can live with my "around-the-clock" migraine, and the sleepless nights, as long as my family is happy. I will find a way to deal.
XOXO Katie

Shhh...it's a secret

I'm probably going to start writing on this blog again because honestly, I feel like I can't put what I've been going through on my "recovery" blog...
I've relapsed. There, I said it. I'm engaging in behaviors. Restricting and purging. Purging and restricting. Going to the gym again. I want to be tiny again. Fragile. Light as a feather. Everyone tells me that I have the body that every girl wants, but no, I really don't. My thighs are touching again (ugh), my ass is huge, and my stomach is still so fat.
Looking back to when I started recovery, I was so motivated. I had so much drive to beat my eating disorder once and for all. But over the course of the last couple months, I've lost it. I don't have a desire of gaining anymore weight. Since Feb. I have gained 15lbs. I don't look sick anymore, which is a plus, but people are constantly telling me how "healthy" I look now. And you know how I'm gonna take that. "Hey Katie, you're getting fatter. That's awesome!"
There is one difference now than before. I'm not depressed all the time. I can actually have a good time with my loved ones and my kiddos. I can usually smile through most of the day. But there has been a significant change in my sleeping. Well, I pretty much don't. I get into bed late, wake up a few times in the middle of the night, and wake up early. I go through my days running on about 2 hours of sleep. Which makes me want to crash really hard in the middle of the day. Some days I take a nap with my boys. But even doing that is hard for me.
I'm not taking the laxies like I used to. But I really only eat one meal a day. And most days, I don't even keep that down. Today I went to the gym and decided to have a protein drink afterwards. When I got home, I purged it. I'm constantly smoking to keep the urge of eating down.
Wow, it feels really nice to finally be able to get this all out. I haven't had anyone to talk to. My best friend who has also lived with her ED as long as I have, is doing really well in recovery, so there is no way I would go to her about it. So I've been keeping it all inside. It's been driving me insane. On the plus side of finally writing in here again, I get to hear from all you lovely ladies. I have missed you all so much. I'm sorry I've been so disconnected. I hope you all are well and I can't wait to get reconnected with you guys. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Recovery blog

I know that a lot of you ladies are in the depths of your eating disorders and many may be even looking for a way out. I have come to grow and love all of you that have followed me on my journey and my struggles with Ana. I would like to give you all the opportunity to start following my new blog "Starting Over." I'm hoping that I give you a glimmer of hope that recovery is possible for all of us. I miss you all so very much. Here's the link to my new blog. Click here
Much love, Katie