So much on my mind

So I'm thinking about going back to treatment. It's not that I'm really engaging in the serious eating disorder behaviors like purging or using the laxies, but there are still behaviors I'm using. Like yesterday, I didn't drink all my coffee in the morning because I knew I was being weighed. I made sure I wore leggings instead of jeans because I knew I was being weighed. And when I was weighed and saw that I went up a half pound, I convinced myself it was water weight because I spent two days drinking nothing but water around the clock. I told T last night that of course there is a part of me that likes having my eating disorder. I love the fact that I'm usually the skinniest girl in the room. I love feeling strong when I can go without eating. What I don't love is the fact that I'm comparing myself to all the girls in the room. Or I hate the fact that if I do eat, then I feel weak and feel the need to purge my food. So which part is stronger when it comes to my eating disorder?
After another discussion with T last night, I think my best option would to be go back to treatment, but this time, I need to stay longer and give it my all. Give it 100%.  My problem is that the facility I want to go to will in no way be covered by my medicaid, and I sure as hell don't have the money to send myself there. I loved the girl I was when I left treatment. But I feel like Anorexia tricked me. Ana had me thinking she was gone. That I had got rid of her and I have found other coping mechanisms to deal with stress. But all that stuff I learned in treatment, didn't give me a way to cope with all the added stress of my family and kids.
One of the biggest things they talk about in DBT and talked about in treatment was mindfulness. And in treatment, it worked great. But I can't do that here. I can't have a quiet moment before I eat to remind myself of what good that food is going to do for my body. I can't have a moment to even think about what I'm eating before I eat it. I've got T talking to me, my oldest talking constantly, and my youngest always whining in my ear. Every meal is so hectic. It was easy to be mindful in treatment because I was surrounded by other girls who were doing the same thing I was. I woke up an hour and 20 minutes early this morning just so I could eat breakfast quietly before everyone got up. But there's no way I can do that every morning because it's only 9am and I'm so tired. I actually followed my meal plan for breakfast this morning. I had a bowl of cereal, a lite yogurt, and a banana. I was pretty proud of myself. Then I went and laid back down for another 30 minutes to fall asleep and get my mind off of the food. That's the only way I have found that completely works is going to sleep after I eat, so I don't have to think about it.
So I got started on Effexor last night. I think I recall one of you ladies saying you take it. I just want to know if anyone has taken it, what kind of effects did it have on you? I'm convinced that's the reason I woke up for a hour and a half in the middle of the night last night, despite my Ambien. It's all so much medication. But they are trying to find the right meds for me I guess.
So another thing I struggled with last night is that according to the doctors, I am not "clinically sick." All my blood work comes back normal. My vitamin D level was normal. My blood pressure is a bit low and so is my heart rate, but other than that, my only medical issue is that I'm underweight. If everything is coming back normal, then how can I be sick? Then I just make myself feel like I'm a crazy person. I understand that an eating disorder is a mental illness, but am I really that insane? That's how I feel anyway. I guess I've just got a lot of shit on my mind. Sorry for such a long post.
XOXO Katie

So embarrassed

I am a 23 year old woman with two children and I probably just did the most embarrassing thing that my eating disorder has ever made me do. I had to buy new bras....
FROM THE LITTLE GIRLS SECTION!!! Ugh, I am so disgusted with myself. I swear I got looks from other moms, I got looks from the employees, I got looks from dads. Everyone was just staring at me. I would like to say that I will probably never see any of them again, but with my luck and it being a small town, someone will pass me in the grocery store, whisper to the person next to them, "That's the woman I saw buying little girls bras." It's not like you can miss me, I got bright pink hair!
OK, well maybe I'm being a bit paranoid here, but seriously, ick. I guess I could look at this in a positive way and say that at least I got some bras that fit me. But I want my boobs back. Keep my waist, tighten up my thighs, and give me back my boobs, then I would be one happy woman. I'm too young to look the way I do.
OK, moving on to other things. My oldest son and I spent the day together, which was nice. He has been on his new medication since Friday and he seems to be doing well with it. We went to one of his appointments, then I took him to McDonald's for lunch (I had a salad) and let him play. Then we went to the library so I could find a book that his OT recommended for me to read. I also picked him up a couple of books to read and a Pokemon movie that he is now sitting in his room watching. Then we went shopping. I love days like this with him because he is so sweet and loving to me. Days like this are so rare that I will take them when I get them.
Tomorrow I am going down to Denver to meet up with a girlfriend for the first time. So it's like a blind "girls day out." Such a sweet girl. We've been talking for awhile now, we have a lot in common, and I figured since she doesn't live that far away from me, I can drive down there and we could go do some shopping, or driving around, or coffee. Coffee is always good. But first thing in the morning I am going to see my dietitian. That means weigh in. I'm pretty sure that with the way I've been eating the last couple weeks, we will see a gain, even if it's a slight one. Late night snacking has been my weakness here lately. Especially chocolate. I don't know why I can't say no to it.
Oh, I found this very interesting blog earlier. Check it out here. It's quite interesting to hear the story and battle from a mothers point of view. Alright, I hope you're all doing well. Much love.
XOXO Katie

Disgusting toxins in my body

So, I'm still doing well on eating. All 3 meals and what not, but I have a confession to make; I've been eating really shitty. I haven't been eating healthy like I need to. On my notes from my therapist last week, the second thing on the list says, "Don't eat out more than 2x a week (it may be triggering.)" We have gone out almost everyday this past week, and the main reason why; it's just easier. And yeah, it's been really fucking triggering. Yesterday was me drawing a line in the sand. Friday night we went out to a buffet for dinner, and yesterday we went to Wendy's for lunch.
Now I'm not saying that I am getting big fat juicy cheeseburgers when we go out, but I know for a fact that if I were to make that same thing at home, it would be at least half the calories, half the fat and I would know everything that goes into it. Plus on top of it all, I would be saving the money from going out to go towards better things.
It's time for me to put my big girl panties on and start being the cook I know I can be. Today has kind of been a cleansing day for me. Trying to rid of all the toxins in my body so I can start fresh. I've been drinking tons of water and tea, and zero soda. I drink a lot of diet soda normally, so I'm going to try to kick that to the curb as well. Tonight I have a lemon zest chicken breast planned for dinner served with white rice. It's just me and T tonight, so a nice, quiet, relaxing night.
He made note this morning that he knows that I am taking recovery seriously, but he can tell that I am still not wanting to fully let go of my eating disorder. Last night, I found myself taking body measurements (which I may post in a few) and calculating my body fat percentage (12.9!) I also asked him if it would ruin everything if we were to bring the scale back into the house so I can have that peace of mind of knowing what I weigh. I think the answer to that was a no by the way. I have therapy scheduled for this Friday, and she has texted me twice just to make sure I'm coming because I ditched her last week, making up some excuse about me being sick. Guess karma got me on that one because now I am really sick lol. T has also noticed the amount of time I've been spending on blogger. It's my little community and I love it. So anyway, I hope everyone had a great weekend. Much love.
XOXO Katie