I don't know if it's the amount of stress that I'm under, the constant screaming of my kids, or the fact that I am going grocery shopping today, but my anxiety level is through the roof. I had 200cal for breakfast and at the moment, I feel like that is too much. I can't take my anxiety medication at the moment because it makes me feel tired, and I can't feel that way when the kids are awake. So what am I going to do? Absolutely nothing. Because I can't. I have cleaned the house from top to bottom because my youngest has speech therapy in about 20 minutes. My eating disorder is being extremely loud, but still not as loud as the kids. My oldest started out first thing this morning yelling and carrying on, woke his brother up, and I've been dealing with that ever since.
Currently I am watching my oldest son antagonize the dog so much to the point to where I think he is going to get bit if he continues. But for some reason, he finds it amusing to hurt and pick on the dog. A part of me wants him to get snapped at just so he will learn his lesson and leave the dog alone. But that's the thing about my son, he will keep pushing and pushing until he is in tears because something happened.
Still no word from his father. Big surprise there, right? And people wonder why I don't want to eat. It's my only coping mechanism to deal with all the shit in my life. I either just won't eat, or I'll eat and then just purge it. I find it better than being an alcoholic or a junkie I guess. I'm supposed to be going grocery shopping later. That shall be fun. With both boys, both full of attitude, and trying my hardest not to focus on all the calories or the amount of fat in the foods that I choose. One part of me hates grocery shopping, another part loves it because I have control over what I buy. Whether it's fat free, low cal, white meat or red meat. It's all about control. But isn't it all?
I'm not sure where I was going with this post, but all I know is that my anxiety is out of control at the moment. I'm frustrated and I want to pull my hair out. Someone out there, help.
XOXO Katie
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Piece of shit!!!!!!!!
I've been bottling this up and not expressing it how I really need to, so here it goes...
MY EX IS A DUMB FUCKING IDIOT!!! A LOUSY, PIECE OF SHIT FATHER!!!
This is my oldest's son's dad. The last two days with my son have been hell with stopping one medication and starting another. He has been extremely aggressive, really mean, just plain defiant. He has had the past two weeks off of school for Christmas break and his dad has spent 3 nights (not even full days) of that with him. And the third one was only because I showed up at his house and dropped my son off with him. I didn't give him a chance to fucking tell me no, like he always does. So today has been a really bad day. My son has yelled at me that he hates me, that he wants to go to his daddy's house, throwing stuff at the walls, screaming at the top of his lungs at me. It's been like this all day today and yesterday. So about 40 minutes ago I called his dad, twice, just for him to ignore me. Then he texted me and this is how the conversation went:
Him: "What?"
Me: "I want you to take H tonight."
Him: "Can't"
Me: "Or you won't?"
Him: "No, I can't."
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Cuz I'm busy."
Me: "With what?"
SILENCE.... 10 minutes later...
Me: "Brandon, H has had the last two weeks off of school and you have only had him 3 times. What are you so busy with that you can't take him tonight?"
THEN STILL NO RESPONSE FROM HIM!
He dropped Holden off on Monday with me because my son was sick and "he just couldn't deal with it." Monday was the 30th, which happens to be the day he is supposed to write me my child support check. I ask him for the check and he says, "I don't have it." The guy is $1,250 behind on his child support because he can't hold down a fucking job. He refuses to take my son for any "extra" time. His scheduled time with him is 6 nights a month. SIX!!! Is it so much of me to ask him to take him a couple extra nights when I need a damn break?!?!
And this isn't something new. This has been going on since my son was 2.5 when we broke up. Any excuse he can find not to spend time with my son, he will use. When I told his dad about the diagnoses that my son received a couple weeks ago, he didn't give two shits about any of it. I told him to do a bit of research on Conduct disorder and he said to me, "um, ok." Yeah right, like he fucking did it.
I've had a day from hell, and I hope to God that he comes across this post and realizes that I am done being quiet about what a piece of shit, poor excuse of a father he is. He needs to know that I didn't make a baby by myself, and if was going to bail out 2.5 years down the road, he should have let me know at the beginning. Alright, I'm done. I wish all the bad karma I can on this guy. Vent over.
MY EX IS A DUMB FUCKING IDIOT!!! A LOUSY, PIECE OF SHIT FATHER!!!
This is my oldest's son's dad. The last two days with my son have been hell with stopping one medication and starting another. He has been extremely aggressive, really mean, just plain defiant. He has had the past two weeks off of school for Christmas break and his dad has spent 3 nights (not even full days) of that with him. And the third one was only because I showed up at his house and dropped my son off with him. I didn't give him a chance to fucking tell me no, like he always does. So today has been a really bad day. My son has yelled at me that he hates me, that he wants to go to his daddy's house, throwing stuff at the walls, screaming at the top of his lungs at me. It's been like this all day today and yesterday. So about 40 minutes ago I called his dad, twice, just for him to ignore me. Then he texted me and this is how the conversation went:
Him: "What?"
Me: "I want you to take H tonight."
Him: "Can't"
Me: "Or you won't?"
Him: "No, I can't."
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Cuz I'm busy."
Me: "With what?"
SILENCE.... 10 minutes later...
Me: "Brandon, H has had the last two weeks off of school and you have only had him 3 times. What are you so busy with that you can't take him tonight?"
THEN STILL NO RESPONSE FROM HIM!
He dropped Holden off on Monday with me because my son was sick and "he just couldn't deal with it." Monday was the 30th, which happens to be the day he is supposed to write me my child support check. I ask him for the check and he says, "I don't have it." The guy is $1,250 behind on his child support because he can't hold down a fucking job. He refuses to take my son for any "extra" time. His scheduled time with him is 6 nights a month. SIX!!! Is it so much of me to ask him to take him a couple extra nights when I need a damn break?!?!
And this isn't something new. This has been going on since my son was 2.5 when we broke up. Any excuse he can find not to spend time with my son, he will use. When I told his dad about the diagnoses that my son received a couple weeks ago, he didn't give two shits about any of it. I told him to do a bit of research on Conduct disorder and he said to me, "um, ok." Yeah right, like he fucking did it.
I've had a day from hell, and I hope to God that he comes across this post and realizes that I am done being quiet about what a piece of shit, poor excuse of a father he is. He needs to know that I didn't make a baby by myself, and if was going to bail out 2.5 years down the road, he should have let me know at the beginning. Alright, I'm done. I wish all the bad karma I can on this guy. Vent over.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Rant
Depending on where this post turns out, I may or may not post this:
Why is it so hard for me to get the words out? To try to make others around me understand what a struggle living with an eating disorder is? Tonight as I'm taking a shower, I tell T that I think my problem in the past when I have vowed to quit this, to throw it all down the drain and get rid of my eating disorder, I always do it cold turkey. You can't expect a smoker who has smoked over half of their life to just quit smoking cold turkey. This person who is used to smoking a whole pack a day can not physically, or mentally just stop the next day. You have to taper down the amount that they smoke. Maybe 15 a day. Then 10 the next. Then 5. Maybe you're working with the e-cigarettes now or chewing the gum to help with it. It's a progress. But you can't do that with an eating disorder. But you can't also just quit cold turkey. I'm living proof of that. You can't taper down a little at a time. It's an all or nothing progress.
I, myself have said it, and I've heard others say it. "Tomorrow is a new day. I will start with breakfast. I will eat normally." Then 5 minutes after you take that last bite, you are embarrassingly walking down the hall to bathroom, turn the lock, lift that seat and slide your fingers down your throat. And I know me personally, I already feel like I've fucked up for the rest of that day, so I might as well restrict and purge all day. Then that night laying in bed in a pool of failure, I make that same promise for the next day. It's a terribly never ending process.
But 10 days ago, I did it, cold turkey. Besides my couple days of being sick, I have been eating all 3 meals and not giving a shit. Not letting my eating disorder get so loud that I need give into it's promises. Tonight it made me a promise that I could purge dinner and no one would know because they would think I was taking a shower. That voice was really loud tonight. I even asked T if I could go take a shower and he said fine. But I didn't.... I cleaned up the kitchen and folded laundry instead. By the time I did take a shower, the feeling to get rid of my food had passed. Plus the help of two of my anxiety meds. T doesn't like that I'm becoming dependant on them. They do have a tendency to form an addiction. But they take away all those evil thoughts. Those voices with empty promises.
Currently, I am listening to recovery related songs. A lot of Gospel music. And words with meaning. But there's also my love for Eminem and his music and how he's been through so much with his own addictions and stands above them for the love of his kids. That's what I need to do. Stand above this all and show the world that I am not another statistic. I will not be that 1 out of 5 girls who dies from her eating disorder. My kids will not attend my funeral before God is ready to let me go. My mother will not attend her own daughter's funeral. Not happening.
So even though those voices might be loud at times, it's time for me to be louder. It's time for me to throw up my boxing gloves and kick some ass. And the thing is, I don't have to make people understand where I'm coming from. There are so many of you out there that have followed me through hell and are still here by my side. So when I'm in the grocery store, or at a restaurant and people are staring at the portions of my food, fuck them. They don't understand. The mental battle I fight every time a plate is placed in front of me. Each meal, every beverage is a struggle for me. But I will overcome. I will fall and I will get back up. Shit, how many times have I done that already? There are only so many fall outs I can have before I take my stand against this shit for good.
So I guess the original reason for me to start writing this post was because I can't explain how hard it is for me to quit this. Like and alcoholic, or someone who is addicted to Meth. This addiction of mine has torn me down and made me hit rock bottom. And like so many of you lovely ladies said, since I hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. And here I go... I'M DONE WITH THIS!
Why is it so hard for me to get the words out? To try to make others around me understand what a struggle living with an eating disorder is? Tonight as I'm taking a shower, I tell T that I think my problem in the past when I have vowed to quit this, to throw it all down the drain and get rid of my eating disorder, I always do it cold turkey. You can't expect a smoker who has smoked over half of their life to just quit smoking cold turkey. This person who is used to smoking a whole pack a day can not physically, or mentally just stop the next day. You have to taper down the amount that they smoke. Maybe 15 a day. Then 10 the next. Then 5. Maybe you're working with the e-cigarettes now or chewing the gum to help with it. It's a progress. But you can't do that with an eating disorder. But you can't also just quit cold turkey. I'm living proof of that. You can't taper down a little at a time. It's an all or nothing progress.
I, myself have said it, and I've heard others say it. "Tomorrow is a new day. I will start with breakfast. I will eat normally." Then 5 minutes after you take that last bite, you are embarrassingly walking down the hall to bathroom, turn the lock, lift that seat and slide your fingers down your throat. And I know me personally, I already feel like I've fucked up for the rest of that day, so I might as well restrict and purge all day. Then that night laying in bed in a pool of failure, I make that same promise for the next day. It's a terribly never ending process.
But 10 days ago, I did it, cold turkey. Besides my couple days of being sick, I have been eating all 3 meals and not giving a shit. Not letting my eating disorder get so loud that I need give into it's promises. Tonight it made me a promise that I could purge dinner and no one would know because they would think I was taking a shower. That voice was really loud tonight. I even asked T if I could go take a shower and he said fine. But I didn't.... I cleaned up the kitchen and folded laundry instead. By the time I did take a shower, the feeling to get rid of my food had passed. Plus the help of two of my anxiety meds. T doesn't like that I'm becoming dependant on them. They do have a tendency to form an addiction. But they take away all those evil thoughts. Those voices with empty promises.
Currently, I am listening to recovery related songs. A lot of Gospel music. And words with meaning. But there's also my love for Eminem and his music and how he's been through so much with his own addictions and stands above them for the love of his kids. That's what I need to do. Stand above this all and show the world that I am not another statistic. I will not be that 1 out of 5 girls who dies from her eating disorder. My kids will not attend my funeral before God is ready to let me go. My mother will not attend her own daughter's funeral. Not happening.
So even though those voices might be loud at times, it's time for me to be louder. It's time for me to throw up my boxing gloves and kick some ass. And the thing is, I don't have to make people understand where I'm coming from. There are so many of you out there that have followed me through hell and are still here by my side. So when I'm in the grocery store, or at a restaurant and people are staring at the portions of my food, fuck them. They don't understand. The mental battle I fight every time a plate is placed in front of me. Each meal, every beverage is a struggle for me. But I will overcome. I will fall and I will get back up. Shit, how many times have I done that already? There are only so many fall outs I can have before I take my stand against this shit for good.
So I guess the original reason for me to start writing this post was because I can't explain how hard it is for me to quit this. Like and alcoholic, or someone who is addicted to Meth. This addiction of mine has torn me down and made me hit rock bottom. And like so many of you lovely ladies said, since I hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. And here I go... I'M DONE WITH THIS!
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